Generations

I see my mother
when I stand at the mirror
putting on my make-up

I see my mother
when my glasses sit on my
nose just like hers do

I see my mother
when I can't cry because I'm
trying too hard to be strong

I see my mother
and I wonder if she's as
strong as I always thought

I see my mother
and know that she knows
me better than I do

I see my mother
and wonder if she ever
sees herself in me

Forever and Always

Hidden away,
lonely and cold in a jewelry box
silently sits a silver bracelet
The words "forever and always"
inscribed thirty years ago
for my mother's nineteenth birthday
Torn between being a child and a wife,
She hid her childhood away
just like the bracelet
whose stones have long since
fallen out, lost forever
This token of his love
forgotten, unworn
in a drawer
beside her wedding ring

Not Her

I'm not her
That girl you remember
That girl girl you kissed in the snow
I'm not her
That girl who trusted without reason
That girl who loved without thinking
I'm not her
That girl too naive to see the truth
That girl too weak to walk away

So when you remember me
think of her
and hold her memory tight
because she won't be coming back
No matter what you see
when you look at me
I'm not her

Hangover

1-22-08

She drinks until
she doesn't feel a thing
so that for a moment
she doesn't have to pretend.
In the smoky dim
lighting, she's
just another girl.
All those things have
come and gone that she swore
she could never live through,
back when never and always
meant something.
But right now, words
mean little in the hazy
ambiguity of the dance floor,
spot lights and vodka
She drinks until she can't
remember why she's drinking
Then stumbles out into
the cold reality
of the morning after.

Oblivious

I have a secret
and you never knew
You never noticed
You never heard me whisper,
never heard me scream
I wasted away in front of you
and you turned the other way,
never wanted to see
what you couldn't control
You couldn't face me
so I face it all alone
while you hide behind
your ignorance in bliss
Keeping up apearances
so others will only
think the best of you
diquising your shortcomings
behind your painted smile and
forcing me to do the same
Never let them see you cry
Force back the tears until
they just stop coming alltogether
Because when there are no tears
you can turn away and ignore
the only thing I ever
really need you to see

Denial (1/1/07)

Hold your breath
Slow the heart
Remind yourself
that you’re alive

Breath in
Breath out
Push the memories
away

Don’t cry
Don’t scream
Don’t overthink
Don’t feel

Eat
Sleep
Smile-
you’re being watched

Laugh at their jokes
Don’t let them touch you
Don’t let them see
Don’t let them get too close

Lock the doors
Don’t answer the phone
Turn out the lights
Stay inside yourself

Forget what he smelled like
Forget what he sounded like
Forget what he tasted like
Forget what he felt like

Wash away the blood
Cover up the scars
Ignore what you can’t accept
Sweep his face under the rug

And pretend it never happened

Pandora's Box

Fading memories of a man
larger than life
whisper deafeningly from
behind a brick wall of truths
I wish I never knew.
Secrets held captive by
generations of yesterday
have suddenly been freed
now that you are not here
to defend yourself
All the lies and betrayals,
all the damage you caused,
everything I was spared from knowing
now lay before me
and can never be taken back.
The secrets I never asked to know
now make me question
what I always believed.
Were the years even worth it
that I spent praying that
I'd make it to paradise
to see you again on the other side,
because if Heaven is real
would they even let you in?

Interrupted

She lies smothered
inside a heart that was once brave.
A heart that cried freely
with the tears of joy and sorrow.
An infant cooing with innocence and ignorance.
But one can only stay naive for so long before
life interrupts and shatters the myths of youth
so that the weakness of trusting is no longer an option.
It was trust that fated her to spend eternity
mending pieces that never quite seem to fit while
a moving reel of all life could have,
should have been flashes around her,
dizzying, emptying, suffocating.
She longs for the comfort of ignorance,
to laugh the laugh of a child,
to wear her heart on her sleeve,
and to live a life uninterrupted.